12.05am Saturday 25th June 2005Krazy Kelvin (Red) Muggins (Maroon) Barb (Aqua) Granny Smith / Apple Green - Censor
B. I have changed my mind - I want BLUE !!! Aqua is too hard on my old eyes !!!
M. Hi BUSTY BARB !!! Hi GRANNY SMITH APPLE !!!! Where is KRAZY KELVIN ?
B. Thats for us to know and you to find out !!!
M. Are you two having a coffee ? MAKE ME ONE !!!
B. What ! Are your hands painted on ? Get it yourself !!! Men !!!
GS. Yeah !!! What did your last slave die of ???
M. Not getting me a coffee & answering me back !!!
GS. You know Muggins, you are starting to look more familiar every day for some reason. Very familiar !!!
I'm back...........hi everyone !!!
M. Shit, did you have to say it so loud. you scared the shit out of me !
K. Well, you had better go to the toilet then while I make us a cup of coffee.
M. Talking about "toilets" - who was it that used to paint out the " i " & the " s " on the toilets, all the time at school ?
K. Wasn't me !!! Anyway whats that "stink" ?
M. Unless you have forgotten, we have posted a pile of "shit" !!!
K. I aren't talking about that stink ! I'm talking about "perfume" by the smell of it.
B. Don't look at me, I don't wear any perfume !
GS. I don't wear perfume either, so it must be - Muggins ! Poofta !!!
K. Muggins !!! Are you wearing perfume ?
M. No ! It will be this - its a love letter from my girlfriend. She has dabbed her perfume on the paper.
K. Girlfriend !!! You - girlfriend !!! I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
M. Theres a lot of things that you don't know ! You haven't even got a girlfriend anyway, so speak for yourself.
K. Thats alright, I'll just wait until you're not looking and I'll pinch yours.
M. You had better not ! Anyway, its "looks" she's after !
K. Looks !!! Looks !!! What is she - blind ???
M. Yes, as a matter of fact, she is. She feels my face with her hands and then she feels my ....
GS. Muggins !!! Thanks, but we don't need ALL the details. After all this is a "family blog".
M. Could of fooled me with all this "shit" around !
GS. Well next week will be a lot cleaner & fresher believe me, because I'll be censoring everything next week !!! I may even add a bit more colour to the place, as well as a counter, advertising and maybe even some flowers !!!
K. Muggins and I are going to go for a walk to "blow the cobwebs" out next week as well !!!
M. Walk ! Thats the first I've heard of it ! You expect me to walk ? How long is this walk ?
K. Not very long ! About 3, maybe a little longer, Muggins !
M. 3 what ? How long is it ???
Muggins picks up his cup of coffee and takes a mouthful. Krazy Kelvin never misses a golden opportunity to .....
K. 3 to 4 hours !
Muggins just about chokes and coffee gets sprayed everywhere !!!
M. You waited until I had a mouthful of coffee ! You did that on purpose, you f..... .... !!! (censored / Granny Smith )
K. Got you !!! For your information, its called a "Coast to Coast" walk and its about 16km.
M. 16km !!! You are f..... (censored / Granny Smith ) krazy !!! There is no way in the world I would ever walk 1km, let alone 16km.
K. Come on, you will enjoy it !!! Hey, I will even shout you lunch, afterwards - hows that ?
B. By the look of Muggins, you better have a "fat wallet" Krazy Kelvin !
M. What about people looking at me ??? You can see how big I am !!!
GS. I am sure you won't have any worries Muggins ! People will feel the ground shake, think its an earthquake coming and they will be long gone !!!
K. Don't listen to them Muggins. They are just shit stirring ! We can just take as much time as you want.
B. Hey - what say I follow you two and when Muggins gets tired, you can text me. I'll pick him up and drop him off at the bridge.
M. You will do that for me ? Pick me up & drop me off at the bridge near my home ?
B. Who said anything about the bridge near your home ! I'm talking about the Auckland Harbour Bridge so you can jump off !!!
GS. I don't think that would be such a good idea, Barb ! Muggins would more than likely create a tidal wave from here to Kingdom Come if he jumped off the Auckland Harbour Bridge !
K. Did I missed something here, before I got back ???
M. You're determined to do this walk aren't you Krazy Kelvin ?
K. Yes, with or without you ! I want to do it, because I have never done it before, plus we will be able to write about it from first hand experience when we get back and share it with all the family & friends who keep returning, to read this krazy krazy blog.
GS. Why don't you just get a leaflet and write about the walk from that ?
K. It isn't the same as actually getting out there and "doing it" !!!
M. Ok !!! I will think about it !
K. Good on you Muggins, but hey there will be other walks later on, if you dont want to do this one.
M. Short ones ???
K. Yeah ! Short ones ! I think I had better take a short walk now, to bed. Time for you all to go home ! Drive carefully. Make sure Granny Smith gets settled in Barb, when you drop her off.
M. Can I stay the night, please !!!
K. Ok ! I'll make you up a bed in the spare room. But don't you spend all the night on the computer in there, looking at Yahoo or EBay like you did before, or I will go on EBAY and Trade YOU !!!
GS. You wouldn't get a dime for him !
B. Thats true ! You would have to "pay" someone to cart him to the dump !!!
M. Bye Busty Barb ! Bye Granny Smith Apple ! I love you too !!!
K. Bye Barb ! Bye Granny Smith !
B. Bye Krazy Kelvin & whats-his-face !.
GS. Yes, bye Krazy Kelvin & ???. I have forgotten your name ! I'll just call you 2x2 !
M. 2x2 ???
GS. Yeah ! Have you never heard that expression before ?
Granny Smith stretches out her hands - wide !!!
GS. Yeah, I would say that you would be 2 axe handles high & 2 axe handles wide. Well, maybe 3 axe handles wide and the sawdust left over from the wood of the handles, they must of put "upstairs" !!!
M. Upstairs ???
Granny Smith & Barb head home..............
K. Your bed is made up. Boy - you must like living on the edge, Muggins !
M. Yeah, it keeps my blood flowing !!! Good night Krazy Kelvin. Thanks for been a "Friend" !!!
K. Good night Muggins ! Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite !!!
M. Bed Bugs !!! Bed Bugs !!! You put bugs in my bed ?
K. Got you again ! Boy, you are so gulliable. It's just a saying ! There are no bed bugs in your bed, at least I don't think there are !!!
M. Ohoooo !!!
Barb finally gets Granny Smith home and helps her inside the house.
GS. Do you know that there's going to be someone visiting us next week - Muggins "blind" girlfriend !!! I'll make sure that I get in first and and "pinch" her before Krazy Kelvin does and then I'll blame Muggins. Fancy him calling me Granny Smith Apple. I haven't been called that since I was a kid at school, by that bully, John. Him and his mates used to tease me all the time and pretend that I was an apple and try and bite me ! I fixed John good one day though - I kicked him in the gonads. I don't think he would of been able to have children later on in life. At least no one dared to tease me after I kicked him !!! Some young people these days have no respect whats so ever for their elders !!!
B. Don't worry about it, Granny Smith - Muggins is just been a Big Bully !!!
GS. Big Bully ??? Big Bully !!! Granny rushes out of the room..........
Barb rushes after her
B. Whats wrong Granny ? It looks like you have seen a GHOST !!!
GS. Photo album, photo album !!! Up there, up there !!! Quick !!!
Barb pulls the photo albums down from the top shelf of the wardrobe.
Granny Smith grabs one. She hunts through, looking for one of her class photos.
GS. There, look, look........John, the Big Bully !!!
B. He looks just like "Muggins" !!! I have got a photo of Muggins, Krazy Kelvin & I in my purse. I'll go and get it.
Barb rushes out to her car, trips head over heels and lands on her ... !!!
She comes back inside carrying a photo and rubbing her b.. !!!!
Granny snatches the photo and puts it along side the photo in the album.
GS. OMG !!! Oh my God !!! I need a drink - scotch & water, but go easy on the water !!! Make yourself one as well if you want one ! Its in the flour bin, in the kitchen.
B. Flour bin ???
GS. I have to hide it from my family when they come over !!! They think I drink, day in & day out, but I have "ONE", once in a BLUE MOON just to to shock my old bones ! I also need to phone Krazy Kelvin, to talk to Muggins and ask him what his fathers name is. I knew he looked very familiar, from the first time I saw him with Krazy Kelvin.
B. You can use my mobile, Muggins is keyed in. He will have his mobile with him. When you are finished, you just close it up.
Barb pushes the button for Muggins and hands the phone to Granny Smith and goes to make them both a drink.
Muggins mobile rings & rings.........finally he answers !
M. MUGGINS HERE, what do you WANT ???
Granny Smith has lost the plot and gone back in time ...........
GS. You are just a f....n Big Bully John !!! Just a f....n BIG BULLY and stop looking at dirty magazines or I'll tell the teacher !!!
M. Who is this..........Barbbbbbbbbbbbb is that you ???
Granny closes the phone and goes into the kitchen to get her drink, with a big smile on her dial and her hands in the air - YES !!!.(she needs a drink, after having such a big shock)
GS. Gee, the "tides out a bit" isn't it, Barb - fill her up !!! It could be the last drink I have before I take Krazy Kelvins "Stairway To Heaven". Have one with me if you want to Barb. I know you drink, because I heard Muggins say, you "Drink Like A Fish" !!!
B. Did he now ! I like to drink, but only at home because I would never drink & drive - no way !!! I like to get settled in bed with a good b......book and have a drink or two. Did you happen to hear anything else ?
GS. Yes ! Lots !!!
B. Pray Tell !!!
GS. I heard them talking about # 930 - # 939, with all the # 2's !!! Then they were going to use the other "S" word in # 920 - # 929. They have already fiinished it, but they wouldn't let me "censor" it !!! They said it would make my ears burn ???
B. I heard Krazy Kelvin talking about doing a "Double Post". Now I know thats why they posted # 930 - # 939 earlier than they usually do. Are you sure they weren't talking about "S" for summer ?
GS. Don't tell me, you have never ............!!!
B. Of course I have !!! But did you actually hear them say the "S" word ? Are you sure they weren't talking about Krazy Kelvins "S"ummer plans to go north to Cape Reinga....Ooppssssss !!!
GS. No ! They always say "S" rather than use the word around me, because they know I'll tell them off ! They know I wouldn't tell them off if they were using the "S" for summer !
B. Whats say we go back and have a look !
GS. Yeah !!! Then I can censor it, cut out all the "naughty bits" !!! We will show them, that I am the "chief cook" after all; Muggins is just the bottle washer and Krazy Kelvin is just the "nut" behind the wheel, as he puts it !!! We will show them that NOTHING gets pass me, without been inspected first !!!
Granny Smith & Barb get in the car and arrive back .............
B. ssshhh !!! You have to be as quiet as a mouse Granny when we go in !!! Remember its # 920 - # 929 we are going to have a look at it. We will have to use the old computer in the room where Muggins is sleeping. We can't risk using the computer Krazy Kelvin has borrowed that's in his room, because I don't know how to work it. I wonder what he is going to do, when he has to return the computer he has borrowed as the other one, is too old to be of much use. I suppose he will just "GIVE UP" - delete this blog !!! He talk of blogs going on for ever & a day - but if he does lose interest...........it will be - bye, bye !!! He will find something else to keep him off the streets !!!
GS. Taking about a mouse, I could put the PRAY TELL story on about Krazy Kelvin and the mouse !!! He gave me a key to this krazy krazy blog and said I could put on anything I wanted. So lets have a look........ I can't see anything !!! Its too small !!!
B. Thats the story of my life - too small !!!
GS. I forgot to bring my reading glasses, so I will tell you the story Barb and you can type it up. Then we will have a look at # 920 - # 929. I will show Krazy Kelvin he can't get anything passed me. We can't switch the light on, Muggins might wake up !!! Now where were we............
Barb sits in front in the monitor while Granny Smith whispers the story to Barb. Kelvin is the only registered person for this blog, so his name will show up under the post. (Hehehe)
GS. The day started off, just like any other day but.......Krazy Kelvin was sorting through some boxes in my kitchen for me.Helping me to have a clean out for the inorganic collection. He was on bended knees (no, he wasn't saying his prayers - well not this time anyway, but I think he did afterwards and also answered the call of nature - # 2. I know he had to use the "outhouse" because Muggins was taking all day, in the inside toilet, like usual) Anyway, he opened this box and peered in ..........peering back at him, was a..........tiny wee creature - a mouse !!! Boy !!! You should of heard Krazy Kelvin screammmmmmmmmm !!! (Even when he was born and I had to smack his bum a few times, he never screamed as loud. I am sure when he was born, he was holding his breath on purpose - KRAZY KELVIN (ssshhh, you will wake Muggins) from his first breath !!!) I don't know who got the biggest fright - Krazy kelvin or the mouse. I felt sorry for the poor wee mouse. To see this big bearded face peering down at him - I would of got a fright as well if I was the mouse !!! Just as well my house is old & sturdy like me, because his scream would of brought any modern house down, believe me ! Barb was in the other room and she heard him scream !
B. So loud was the scream, I thought he was been murdered - honestly !!!
GS. Krazy Kelvin was so quick, he closed the box, before the mouse could jump out and took the box outside. He was going to kill it, but Barb said she wanted a look first, as our Barb likes all natures creatures big & small except for "spiders" of course. So she goes outside to have a look at the tiny wee creature in the box and lets him go !!! By this time, Krazy Kelvin was long gone.........all you could see was his dust, as he rushed out to my "outhouse". I forgot to tell you Barb, after you let the mouse out, he went back out to the "outhouse" with a small plastic container, but it wasn't for the call of nature, he was collecting nature - "spiders" !!! I saw them in the plastic container, when he came back in the house. He asked for some brown wrapping paper & a pen !!! He wrapped the container up and addressed it. All I managed to see without my reading glasses was the word "Swanson". Do you live out Swanson ??? I remember Swanson clearly, because it was at the Redwood Park, where Krazy Kelvin, got hit in the head by that swing boat when he was a kid and he put his fingers in the "hole" and scratched his skull !!! (# 987). I was a nurse in those days, and lived not far from the Park. I was there that day having a swim, in the pool, when the accident happened. All the kids saw was Krazy Kelvin flying through the air,after he got hit - then all the "BLOOD" !!!There would of been some force behind the hit he took, because those swing-boats were big and could hold at least 6 kids. By the time the adults got there, all these kids were standing around Krazy Kelvin crying their eyes out. I would of been one of the first adults to get there. Krazy Kelvin was lying on the ground in the middle of all these kids. There was this one poor kid who was sitting on the ground with Krazy Kelvins head lying in his lap. He was stroking Krazy Kelvins face and his tears was mixing in with all the blood that was around. He was saying - "We all love you, Krazy Kelvin - don't die, don't die !!! It was then Krazy Kelvin open his eyes, lifted his fingers up and put his fingers into the hole and scratched his skull, before I could stop him !!!. That poor kid, who had Krazy Kelvins head in his lap, wouldn't let go of Krazy Kelvin. It took 3 adults to separate the two of them. The poor kid who wouldn't let go, because he thought Krazy Kelvin was dying, was - Muggins !!! He was going to go with him with Krazy Kelvin, if he died !!!
B. What did you say to Muggins on the phone, back at the house !
GS. Muggins ? I wasn't talking to Muggins, I was talking to "Big Bully John".
B. But when I handed you my mobile, it was Muggins number I pushed, so how could you of talked to "John" !
I think Granny Smith lost the plot well & truly - went back in time........... got confused when she looked at her class photo, with "Big Bully John" in it and the photo of Muggins, Krazy Kelvin & Barb !!!
GS. OMG !!! I was talking to "Muggins" and not "Big Bully John" ??? Oh my God !!!
B. I think we censor # 920 - # 929 and then we get out of here. Show me how you you bring up the blog !
GS. I don't know !!! Krazy Kelvin used to just called me over, while he had everything on screen and I would read through it and censor it, before he sent or posted or what-ever it is that you call it. Its all too confusing for me, at my age.
B. Don't worry, if Krazy Kelvin can do a BLOG without any help from anyone, I'm sure we will work it out between the two of us. As they say "Two heads are better than one" !!! You know, when he started this BLOG he asked around at least 10 friends, to get someone to help him as he would be -1 when it comes to computers, plus I have watched him when he types - he just uses two fingers. He also asked for "computer time" from friends, when they weren't going to be home, because he was using internet cafes and paying $2 per hour. He asked the "friends" that he has done the most for "first", but they all said too busy or NO!!!
GS. They all know what he is like when he gets hold of something NEW !!! If he loves it, he puts his heart & soul into it. He made "floating soap" as gifts for friends. I have still got a big, fish soap, he made for me that he wrapped in gold foil and called "Goldfish" soap. I have still got candles with "coloured flames" and I mean coloured, that he made for me. Green has green flame, Red has red, Purple has purple, you get the picture. I still have a "set of 7 colours of the rainbow candles" with coloured flames he gave me. He also made "Adult Chocolates" as gifts !!! Chocolates with chilli powder in them, which really blew your socks off !!! But boy they were nice !!!
B. Seven colours of the Rainbow ??? There are only 6 colours in a Rainbow !!!
GS. Hey, you are talking Krazy Kelvin here - there was a "black" in his rainbow as well !!! How he managed to do it I don't know. He has no partner - no one !!! Even though he has got family & friends around NZ and around the world - he walks alone !!! When he leaves us, all his those secrets & his memories will go with him, unless he finds a partner ! Well some of his memories will go with him. He has shared a few memories so far, with a lot more to come. Hopefully he won't lose interest !!! We have to help him all the way - walk with him as we all walk down "Memory Lane" together. Because once he leaves ........good-bye memories, goodbye laughter and good-bye tears !!! I Talking about ALL people here now - get your arse into gear and start your own blog !!! Jog those memory cells of yours and share those those memories with your family & friends. Even email some of those memories to this "Kelvin A Memory Always" krazy krazy BLOG of Kelvin John Murray Yorke, Auckland, New Zealand, The World !!! I am the censor, so if its printable and we have the "room" I know Krazy Kelvin will print it for you !!! He is that kind of guy. If only he picked one of his "true friends" to be a partner with him - that person would be set for life, but NO - he still walks alone. Now those friends who he asked for help, can see this krazy krazy blog going into "orbit", they are climbing over themselves to help him, but its too late. He came to see me and asked me. I watched & helped out where I could, but I must of been more of a hindrance than a help. He was really thankful because its a hell of a weight for him to carry "alone". Then you came into the picture Barb and helped out as well, where you could.
B. Anyway...lets have a look at # 920 - # 929, then we can get out of here. I think we have overstayed our welcome already !!!
Now which keys, do we push.......that one ! No ! This one ! No ! I can't find the right keys !!! (ssshhh, you will wake Muggins)
GS. What about that key there.........oopps !!!
B. GRANNY SMITH - what have you done !!!
GS. Tough shit - after all, he wouldn't let me censor it !!! Lets get out of here ! We'll say it was Muggins !!!
M. Barbbbbbbbbbbbb is that you ??? I swear it was her ! I'll have to stop eating Granny Smith's cooking or was it those 2 big packets of chocolate biscuits I ate. Krazy Kelvin keeps hiding all his "goodies" but I can smell chocolate at a 100 paces - he should know that by now !!! Back to dreamland zzzzzzzzzzzzZzZzZz !!!!!!!
Barb & I might be back, next week !!! burb - pardon me ssshhh o:-) Censor